You’ve heard people say, “Let’s not make it personal” or “It’s not personal.” There’s a cluster of positive intentions behind these statements about making it personal; for example, a wish to stay focused on problem solving and not blame others, or an intention to prevent a conversation from degrading into personal attacks.
However, in the OnConflictPodcast interview with Ken Cloke, another side of making it personal versus not being personal comes into the foreground. In challenging social conflicts, Ken suggests that beginning communication with some specific and quite personal expressions can actually build the commonality that allows people to make progress.
Using a neighbourhood conflict between an immigrant group and long-time resident group as an example, Ken suggests beginning dialogue with requests such as the following (possibly in small groups):
- Talk about a time when you were a new-comer to a situation (any situation) and you had to struggle to find acceptance
- Tell each other about a time when new
–comers came into a situation you were part of and began to disrupt and change things - What were these situations like for you? How were you impacted?
These kinds of opening conversations can be an effective way to begin productive dialogue. They’re on topic but not oppositional, and they help to build connection between participants. They also strike me as fostering a very personal dynamic because people are asked to speak about their lived experiences. In fact, they’re intentionally personalizing the interaction.
Keeping it from being personal may be helpful in simple disputes, but in situations that are complex or where relationships will continue, I find that cooperative ways of making it personal are helpful.
Here are a couple of generic questions from Ken that can bring the personal into any conflict engagement conversation:
- Why do you care so deeply about this issue?
- What life experiences have you had that leave you feeling deeply and passionately about this?
To hear Ken speak about these methods and other insightful aspects of conflict resolution in the world today, listen to the entire podcast episode here.
What do you think of this idea of ‘making it personal’? Please leave a comment.
Gordon
In my experience, ‘it’s not personal’ is used as a way to shut down a discussion that generates strong feelings. Rather than identify the issues, some of which you mention above, and engage with them, ‘it’s not personal’ implies that the person (accused of) making it ‘personal’ is being unreasonable and is the cause of the conflict. This is not constructive; in fact, it escalates the situation and impedes resolution.
Hi Leanne,
Yes, the expression has a negative manifestation as well, doesn’t it – when empowered by an intention to limit the scope of a conversation in one way or another.
Wanting to limit the conversation could be motivated by fear.
Thank you for your comment!
Gordon